Stories I Can’t Tell My Kids

memoir, funny, humor, comedy, essays


As I told the girl I lost my virginity to, thanks for laughing at me here today. Ok, please don’t tell that to my kids either. No child, regardless of age, wants to think of their father getting jiggy with it. The last time I actually vomited, and not just dry heaves, was when someone went into specifics about my crazy father’s big pimpin days! 

I’m constantly put in crazy situations because, for the most part, people are crazy. Only by sharing these life lessons can we truly appreciate how much of a train wreck the world really is. For instance, in my family, my sister gives cat shit a whole new definition, literally, and my father terrifies small children by pretending he lost his amputated finger up his nose while picking it and shakes out the pant leg of his shorts each and every time he farts as he can never be quite sure he hasn't shit himself, and yet I’M considered the crazy one. Whether at home or abroad, I’ve become the voice of reason throughout a maddening state of events. Full disclosure, Son of Sam's dog was his voice of reason - then he turned out to be a cereal killer - but we're getting off-topic.

This book is not to be devoured in one sitting: it’s dangerous and just like you wouldn’t attempt to inhale an entire Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake (one try was all it took to give my mass imodium consumption a run for its money,) you can’t handle that! Four out of five experts peed their pants while reading this and that’s only because the fifth had shorts on.

Enjoy my stupid adventures, drunken escapades, and colossal embarrassments. As a general rule, humiliating yourself is only embarrassing if you’re not laughing too. Most of my life, I’ve been short, fat, and bald so if I didn’t have a great sense of humor - they’d have locked the roof access a long time ago. In writing this, I'm filled with grati-turd - which is defined as being thankful for all the shitting and other stories I get to share with you.

About the Author:

Author of Stories I Can’t Tell My Kids (2023)


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Format : hardcover

Page Count : 213