Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

Nora Samaran,
Eve Rickert,
Jessica Fern

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'Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy' delves into the intersection of attachment theory and nonmonogamous relationships, exploring how our attachment styles impact our interactions with partners. The authors present a nuanced understanding of attachment, moving beyond traditional mononormative frameworks to provide a more inclusive perspective that can apply to both polyamorous and monogamous contexts. The writing is accessible, combining personal anecdotes with research findings to create a relatable and informative narrative that resonates with a wide audience.

The book is structured in a way that allows readers to gradually build their understanding of attachment theory and its practical applications in their relationships. It introduces the HEARTS model, a framework for cultivating healthy attachment, which emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and effective communication. The authors discuss the challenges and dynamics of polyamory, offering actionable advice and insights that can help readers navigate their own relationships, regardless of their relationship style.

Writing/Prose:

The writing style is clear and accessible, though at times clinical, making it well-researched yet potentially dry for some readers.

Plot/Storyline:

The book emphasizes attachment theory and trauma, exploring their implications in both mono and non-monogamous relationships while providing insights into personal growth and interpersonal dynamics.

Setting:

The setting is contemporary, addressing relationship dynamics in both non-monogamous and monogamous contexts.

Pacing:

The pacing varies significantly, with a denser first half focused on theory and a more application-oriented second half.

Genres:

Topics:

trauma and relationships

communication

emotional regulation

boundaries

Notes:

Polysecure is based on attachment theory, which has gained popularity in social media.

There is a lot of misinformation about attachment theory due to its popularity.

The book emphasizes that attachment styles are tools for self-understanding, not identity labels.

Mental health issues are not the focus of the book, and it assumes good intentions in relationships.

The first half of the book covers attachment styles and their impact on relationships, while the second half focuses on polyamory.

Secure attachment can be cultivated with self-awareness and understanding of one's attachment style.

Relationships are often magnified reflections of our insecurities, especially in non-monogamous contexts.

Compassion and understanding others' needs is crucial in establishing healthy boundaries in relationships.

Fern presents the HEARTS system to help build secure attachments: Here, Expressed delight, Attunement, Rituals, and Secure attachment with self.

The book includes actionable advice for improving relationships, focusing on communication and emotional regulation.

Both monogamous and nonmonogamous individuals can benefit from the insights in Polysecure.

The concept of love as a non-finite resource is discussed, highlighting that attraction to multiple people is normal.

Boundaries are presented as essential for protecting oneself and fostering deep connections with others.

The author uses personal experiences to make the material relatable and engaging.

From The Publisher:

Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you're striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner? Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. Polysecure is both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide.

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